Wednesday, December 29, 2004
i believe that cutting hair is a way to destress.
i believe that cutting hair cuts away all unhappiness.
i believe that cutting hair lifts up your spirits.
i believe that cutting hair gives you a new aim in life.
each time i cut my hair i feel like a baby all over again, ready to start anew. my long locks are gone, what's left is just sufficient to fill my head. i feel good, i feel fresh, i feel great.
everyone has got a nice side, no matter how awful he or she might be to you. it's just a matter of whether you get to see it or not. well, i think i prefer to give people the benefit of the doubt, i think it's high time i stop criticising people when i'm not that perfect myself.
i don't know what's got into me suddenly. i've stopped swearing for more than a week. i used to splurt it so often i've lost count. maybe coz bakachew told me girls shouldn't swear coz it's not nice so i stopped. but i knew all along that girls shouldn't swear coz it's not very pleasant. i know how often i used to swear in lower sec, stopped in upper sec and started again in jc, only to stopped when i started working and got closer to him, started again when i went uni and finally now i've stopped when i've met him again. ok maybe he's a miracle. ok enough about him.
hall's boring, nothing much to do when my whole wing's not around. thankfully i have the B4 guys. bakachew and ken shall keep me company when no one's around. at least that's what ken promised me. bakachew shall be my food provider! haha. sounds mean man. the boys are fun. silly ken told me to move to b4 together so can live with them all. kidding. spent a great deal of time chatting outside my room with ken after his run. feels great to have someone to chat with when you're lonely.
guess it's time to sleep. i feel so lethargic.
1:08 AM
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Monday, December 27, 2004
i dread the feeling of being sick, and l've been sick since the first day of training. the stubborn me simply refused to see the doc. now my cough's getting so bad i can't sleep at night, so i have to relent. i have to see the doc tomorrow. wonder why in the first place am i so stubborn. my stubborness has cost me lots of things. yes it did.
this xmas was different, i spent it with joyce and her friends. they're nice people, though i'm not a christian. went for a movie and drove down to east coast coffee bean for a short chat. it was simple, and the thrill?? i was sitting in a policecar! haha. yupz, the driver is a policeman, so well, i was sitting in a policecar. being out with people helps to stop my thoughts from running wild. i hope new year would be a simple but fulfilling one as well.
oh well, results are out. guess i'm just not cut out for studying. i'm not that depressed, coz i'm immune. i wonder how's his results. he's so smart, he's bound to get damn good grades. the silly me is thinking of him again. if only 1 day i could learn to let go of things which are not meant to be mine easily. all those pain, please go away.
this week shall be a fun and exciting one, wed is clubbing at zouk/phuture with sheer, sisi and tong. thurs shall be shopping at JB with sheer and sisi. fri shall be new yr party with sheer and sisi too! activities to keep me occupied, and to numb my pain. whatever it is this week shall be my crazy week. no strings attached. i hope after this week all will be fine.
2:43 AM
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Tuesday, December 21, 2004
if only ppl could understand why i'm contemplating going to sheares hall next year, if only things seemed to be as easy as they think. i wish to move to join the vball guys there, but at the same time, i can't bear to give up on the beautiful memories here in TH. it gave me so many beautiful memories, happy or sad whatever. i don't deny that i will still miss this place if i leave but i can't say i'm not terribly tempted by the draws of SH. zh they all are going to be there, and one thing which SH has, TH doesn't have, no, it's not entirely coz of him now, but i seek the fun and enjoyment and the closeness of a whole team which TH can't give me. i've lost the chance to play with gl this year, one thing i really really miss. i miss those days in sec sch and jc where the guys team will come down to help us train and entertain us with silly jokes. i can't find any of these in TH. every sports' guys and girls team just seem so distant. there seems to be no time for interaction, in the midst of our search for the 4th consecutive champion title. champion? it's important, but the most important thing is still the bond which the team shares. i can't feel any of it here, not even in the 4 teams i'm in currently. i'm been seeking that feeling for so long, ever since i left sec sch, the feeling to play as a team, not individually, and there's a high chance for me to seek it back again. though those in SH are my jc team mates, they're those i truely enjoy playing with in my jc days. those asses which made my days miserable are gone far far away. am i wrong to even seek that feeling which i crave for for so long? no one else is here with me in TH. i dread going for trainings which seem to be disastrous all the time. when i'm not happy i can't perform and that sux. i'm not saying that i want to let anyone down, but can i just go ahead and do what i want? i don't have this privilege of ex jc or sec sch mates all coming over, i'm all alone. i just want to break free. i don't enjoy having to play against TH if i have to eventually, but seriously, if i don't have that passion for vball how am i supposed to help TH win? i feel so minute here. ppl expect too much from me and i can't give it to them. it's not i don't love TH, i do, but i love my friends even more, and i love that bonding feeling even more. if only ppl could understand all these.
i told myself, i'm giving this team another chance. if this year, the team still can't bond successfully, i'm leaving, in search of greater heights, to push myself to a higher challenge and most importantly, the chance to play as a team again. hopefully, TH won't let me down this time round.
2:17 PM
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Sunday, December 19, 2004
it's the time of the night when i start missing him all over again. i've come to this realisation how much he meant to me, how much his words could hurt me. the song which i first sang to him is still playing on my pc repeated on repeat mode. everything and anything about him just springs to my mind right now. i just can't forget him. my weakest link seems to be being unable to let of the past. i can't let go of him.
i finally mustered up the courage to forward him an sms last night. he replied "nite.." i decided to try another shot at sending him another sms " how have u been?" he replied "good i guess..can't get any worse.." that pricked my heart. i realised silver drops were falling onto my cheeks. i guess he still blames me. i decided to continue smsing him til finally he told me he wanted to sleep. it was just casual chat. i still didn't get the courage to ask him if he hates me. i dunno if he wants to see me ever again, but i'm hoping for new year to come, so we can have another gathering at zh's place again. that will be my next chance to see him again.
i really want another chance, to make it up to him. if there's one thing i ever regret, it's letting him down. will he ever forgive me? i won't blame him even if he does. i want to be the one who understands him the most again.
zh and rb kept pestering me to move to SH dat night. wj didn't say anything, coz i think he knows since wj's his best friend. if one day i ever move to SH, it'll be partly coz of him i guess. to get the chance to see him and make it up to him. though he's not staying in hall but i know he goes there often to look them up. i'm really thinking if i should move. it's simply torturous.
11:37 PM
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Saturday, December 18, 2004
it was an awkward meeting. there were no words between us, just a simple "HI" when i reached there. i had expected him to be there, coz after all, it was guili's birthday and she had invited the whole TJC team, though she didn't mention his name to me. i talked to the rest of the guys, but not him. he seemed to be avoiding me as well. it was real awkward. we were sitting in a circle and he was right beside me. i could tell he was trying to avoid my eyes, as much as i was trying to avoid his. not even a single word tonite, for the past 1 1/2 hrs. i talked to zh, rb, wj but not him. he seemed to respond to the rest other than me also. perhaps i'm rather disappointed also. maybe if he took the initiative to talk to me i might just respond. but being the stubborn gal i am, i simply refused to give in first. when we were about to leave, we were all talking to guili and it became so obvious he just didn't want to talk to me. i know i was wrong, very wrong in the past. maybe he was expecting me to talk to him first. i dunno. he's moved house, like what he told me last year. now i really wanna talk to him, and be like before, like the friends we used to be, but i just can't bring myself to make the first move.
i really really want to sms him right now, and ask him "How Are You?". why can't i just do it? maybe he's happily attached now and i shouldn't bother him. i'm just feeling so confused. maybe i should wait for next sem, when we all meet up with the rest again. perhaps i'll find the courage then. now i realise escapism isn't a solution. or maybe the gd cry on phuture night dat wed washed away all my worst fears.
11:27 PM
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Thursday, December 16, 2004
i'm seriously losing focus. i suck terribly at vball now. i can't even serve 50% of e balls over, and it's supposed to be one of my forte. i can spike across the net. i can only do the normal volley, but it's still not up to standard. maybe i expect too much from myself, and ppl expect too much from me. perhaps it's the stress which is killing me. i know i shouldn't be performing like that. it's definitely wrong. what happened to me? i feel like a peice of shit. my knee caps hurt. i can't jump anymore. running makes it painful. maybe it's hightime i quit one of my sports. i'm real tired. i'm demoralised. i can't even focus properly on vball, my favorite sport, the sport which grew together with me since sec sch. i'm not a gd player and i know it. i need to put in extra effort. but i just can't perform! and that makes me feel lousy on court, and it affects my team morale. i can't lead the team anymore. i'm just...down.
a sucky wednesday evening of vball got me so depressed i decided to head down to phuture for a nite of fun. i felt like drinking but i can't. i reminded her not to drink so many times yet she didn't heed it. she had a hangover the next day and didn't go training. yes, truthful, but it's not right! you knew you have training the next day and knew you can't drink and yet you went to drink! it's seriously a lack of self discipline! as much as i wanted to drink last nite i had to stop myself. though i drank, it wasn't alot. not strong enough to even get me high. haiz. i wonder why do captains plan trainings for us so nicely, sacrifice so much(though she very much wanted to go phuture with me as well) and get this in return. disappointment.
so many things have happened. whatever's past is past. i've put the past behind me. let me start anew, i really want to. i wanna go one of my good pal's birthday but i'm afraid i'll see him again. but i don't feel so bad now after crying out my heart when i was terribly drunk 2 weeks ago. maybe crying really makes one feel better. maybe it's time that i should start facing him after so long. i have to do it.
11:41 AM
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Thursday, December 09, 2004
i don't enjoy having so little people coming down for my trainings, coz it's demoralising.
i don't enjoy telling people off, coz i don't like being mean to people, esp friends.
i don't enjoy leading a team, coz each time the team lets me down, it's too painful for me to bear.
i don't enjoy being a pushover, coz i have feelings too.
i don't enjoy my friends giving me attitude, not coz i'm pissed but i feel disapointed.
i don't enjoy everything right now, coz everything seems to be falling apart.
if only all my friends can understand my position,
if only all my friends would stop taking me for granted.
if only all my friends could know i'm juz as fragile as any other girl.
if i broke down during training yesterday, what would have happened?
if i hadn't been so kind to everyone, would things have been different?
everything has just left me disapointed. i'm tired. stop taking me for granted. i'm no pushover. would crying help? NO. no one knows how hurt i am deep inside. i wanna drown all these pain wif alcohol. coz it makes me forget everything. but i know that i'll wake up with a hangover the next day, which will make me miss another training. i need a break too. but will u give it to me?
11:12 PM
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Friday, December 03, 2004
it's amazing how alcohol makes you lose your senses. under it's influence you do things which you could simply forget the next day. nonetheless the feeling of getting high still feels great, but getting completely drunk simply isn't a very nice feeling. hangovers, headaches, puking and you can't do anything. you'll still feel groggy the next day.
people say we show our true emotions when we're drunk. so what does crying about something which you never really thought about mean? did you bury it deep in your heart but refused to take it out for fear of hurting yourself? did that person really mean that much to you but you just refused to admit it? i really wonder. or rather, are you unable to let go of the past?
it's just another bright sunny day today. whatever happened shall be forgotten. the sun still shines happily through my window. i can see the cheers of sunshine.
i suddenly long to go the the beach again. but no, not with him by my side. alone this time round.
11:50 AM
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