{Me}

boredchic
22 years on earth

*loves:

*loathes:
BOREDOM

sisi
sheer
xying
bik
cheryo
jocie
SGN

 

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seriously wonder why things always don't work out for me. IHG vball'sreally driving me NUTS! the guys played their crucial game today, exciting, they won! but who knows together with it came a hell lot of problems?! firstly, ref problems, then unhappiness between all halls. tell me what am i supposed to do? everyone's calling me to scold me and i'm trying to pacify them coz they're my frens. on top of that i have to calm mr tp down too. haiz. i'm at a loss, so is mr tp. we're seriously at our wits end. things are really in a mess. we're happy, coz the boys made it to the semis with the end of this game, but we're troubled, by all these nonsense from the other halls. we're trying to come up with a perfect solution but there seems to be none. juz when we seem to have it solved, another pops out. well, actually i'm rather glad tp's the guys captain. at least he was a sports director, so he knows the procedures, and most of the thinking part was done by him. so yeah, he's not a bad person after all. he stumbles over to pass me stuff despite his numerous injuries. i really feel sorry for him sometimes.

eddie was saying i'm too softhearted. well, i guess it's true. but tell me how am i gonig to change this supposedly 'bad habit'? terrible. i still can't sleep at this hour oz of all these. ewen n tp juz left my rm, imagine how long we spent trying to figure out a way. haiz.

can i quit?

3:33 AM
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waiting seems to be the word when it comes to IHG 0405 vball. i've finally waited til this day, to play my debut game. but alas, i played like shit. everything just wasn't going well. sorry to all my supporters, i really didn't perform.

disappointed with such a lousy performance myself, but i always tell myself tomorrow will be a better day. it's vs SH, zh's team. and i know he's going to be there again. wonder what the hell was he doing there today, to watch such a boring game. but i thank gl, zh & rb for taking time to come and watch me play.

i wasted my whole night clubbing yesterday. only managed to reach hall at 6+am in the morning. i think i really tired myself out. played vball with ht and hy til 10.30pm, and they rotted in my room til 11+pm. i finally reached zouk at 1am, clubbed til 3am and still went on to devil's bar with jess and the boys, all the way til 6am. disappointment was in the air last night. reality seems a far cry from promises.

for my SGN,
yeah, i admit i was real pissed with the postponed of my game coz i really felt it wasn't fair to my team to have this sudden change. but whatever it is, it's over. i'm here to deliver the gold for TH, after which my job will be done. this favour is for ewen. i'm not really sure what happened last night, but i was shocked when i saw cat in a rather frantic state. but i guess i can understand the feeling of being taken for granted in a team. people all just tend to take captain's for granted, it's just like spoon feeding them. seldom will you feel appreciated. the best player will always be the star. people will think they deserve the most credit. seldom do they realise it us, the captains who have been working so hard behind the scenes to make things right. i think i'll most prob be going over to join SH next year, where i can play with a much more committed team. besides my clique would be half gone by next year. haiz. it just seems like one can't be able to play sports wholeheartedly in TH. but no worries, coz your ordeal is over, so don't think about it anymore. *smile!*

9:18 PM
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ll's right, why should fixed slots be changed? those that should be changed should not be us, but those who want to change their original fixed slot.

after a talk with zh, i realised half my mind's made up to join them over in SH. he's right, where can i find a team where i look left and right and it's someone i know, someone i've played before with. girlfriends? petty is a girl's nature. i would rather hang out with those boys. zh said: "as long as you have us around you, it's enough. we promise u fun and you can count on us anytime."

i'm touched.

1:28 AM
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selfish people are all around. all doing things in their advantage. they want everything to turn out well for them, so do i.

i figured out it's better being a bitch. otherwise, people just take you for granted.

remember this: i'm no pushover.

8:27 PM
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fucked up. really fucked up.

IHG vball schedule changed AGAIN. why does it always change for vball? why does my sport always have to accomodate other sports? i'm really sick and tired. i've got things to do too! games which were originally scheduled on wed and thurs might be pushed to sat! fuck! why must we be the ones to play on sat? it wasn't this way originally. ours has always been scheduled on a weekday! when everything's been arranged nicely and even the ref allo was reshuffled again, your're telling me it's changed again! think ref allo easy to do? yeah man. try pacifying the other halls? when u've got plans for the weekend and it's suddenly screwed up that same week. all of a sudden. why can't other games be played on a sat if it has to be changed? why muz change mine? juz coz u all need time to plan for the weekends don't mean we vballers don't need them! i've just pacified rb n zh after the ref thing juz now and now you're telling me it's changing??!! y still put it on wed when it's a known fact that i'm having a game on dat day! seems like vball is juz not impt to ppl at all. it keeps getting pushed ard.

all these nonsense from everyone. i hate everyone else. the loss of 2 main players adds further to this pain and agony of the upcomnig games.

tears of anger, all dried. sick and tired. i'm sorry if i've offended anyone but i'm juz feeling...lousy..

11:50 PM
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the feeling of helplessness juz seems to penetrate me. i'm subdued, completely, by this feeling. can someone help me to put everything right again?

stressed, helpless, worried, yet i can't do anything but cry.

9:12 PM
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it's amazing how clubbing is like so very much part of my life now. school has started, i'm supposed to be hiding inside my room studying but i'm not. people say i've got an active night life but in actual fact i dont't, coz my night life is just suppering and clubbing. they just seem like a weekly event to me.

i don't even feel tired now, though i just came back from clubbing + suppering. we jumped from phuture(coz we managed to get free entry), to dbl o, only to find out it was being raid, so we stood outside for some time before deciding to eat our porridge. we happily hopped down to taboo after that to look for the guys. i must say that gays are really really damn good looking! if only they are straight. haha. taboo was more fun than phuture. we were simply entertained by the sexy dance by the boss there. but there's bound to be sacrifices, and in today's case, mr hansen was being violated EVERYWHERE due to the sexy dance. cool. i salute u. made a wasted trip down to devil's bar after taboo only to realise it was closing in 5 mins. but at least this bapok sashaying in front of us made our day. it's real corny looking at the way she tries to pick up guys.

now next week's my IHG vball. darn, kh couldn't help me get the scoresheet. he's useless man. i thought he could help me. i've got this feeling he simply forgot about it and told me he couldn't get it. help me!!!

surprised he actually came down to watch the IHG games. maybe it's just me. i ran off on the pretext of going for handball warm up upon his appearance. but well, the warm up was real, i had to go. ok i should stop blaming myself for being a sinner. i didn't sin this time coz it's true.

i wonder if i've changed. i'm talking to mr despicable despite all his despicable acts to me in the past. somehow the past just doesn't matter anymore yeah?

6:24 AM
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i realised i shouldn't sleep after consuming such a sinfully oily fish burger. i'll just keep growing FATTER and turn into a FATchic. i'm FAT already, so i should STOP getting fatter. i want to look pretty and slim, not fat and ugly.

the friendly with EH today was much better than the first time. a much better performance was put up by all the players, but still, we could have done better. the reserves did a pretty good job, but the main team could have done even better, given our years of experience. i guess we still have more to work on. but i really felt damn bad, coz the second set was supposed to be both side main team playing, but it turned out that eddie refused to listen to me and put all the reserves in. it's not a matter of whether i want the reserves to play, but i had already agreed with jerlyn that 1st 3 sets were for the main team, and remaining time we could sub players. it's like a feeling of having betrayed my friend? get it? but stil i must applaud my girls for the splendid play today. it feels good, to see those whom didn't know how to play, to pick it up within 1 month, and be so confident of themselves. maybe i've accomplished my duty as a captain, to teach them, guide them, and make them more confident. i just wish for the team be be stronger.

i feel pressured, as the competition draws near. i know it's not going to be an easy fight, with the standard of my players falling and falling.....and steph sprained her ankle. i can understand her anger with herself, but who could have expected it? i was angry too, coz i need her to play but it was just for a little while. guess it was just coz i was too paraniod. i really fear the gold medal would be so out of reach, coz after all, i think i'm a jinx. i can't seem to get the gold though it was ALWAYS within reach. but well, i guess captains all worry about the unnecessary. i can't stand this pressure to excel, i dont' want to be a puppet anymore. i get angry on court but i still have to control, coz i still have to lead. i have to suppress all my feelings and spur them on, though i'm like feeling.....down.

spent some time talking to hy and ht after training. we just sat at e1 and chatted. these 2 girls are real lovely. cute and innocent. i feel like a kid when i talk to them, it's like returning to innocence. maybe vballers can really understand each other more. my best friend happened to pass by and joined us for the chat. seems like vballers can really talk and talk. and well, he was kind enough to help me ref the friendly. well, he seems just prefectly fine now, other than that inflated ego of his which has never retreated. a vballers' chat indeed. a whoping 2 hrs was spent just sitting at e1 and chatting. yeah, but i loved it.

by chance i've found a new 'tu di'! he screams 'shi fu!' each time he sees me. how heartwarming....

3:07 AM
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why do people get into relationships? coz they feel lonely? coz they think they have found 'the one'? coz they think it's time to get attached? i find that getting involved in a relationship is rather time consuming, at least for me.

i've sorted out all my thoughts during the past week. i might sound fickle, but truth is, i realise i don't really need him by my side. i was just yearning for him to forgive me and be friends once again. now that i've accomplised that goal, i'm happily reverting back to my days of adventurous singlehood. i might sound selfish, but i guess it's better this way, coz hurt, once done, is irreversible. he's right. things change after a long time. perhaps we've both changed and it's time we moved on with our lives and pretend nothing ever happened before.

ms sisi and i were on the topic of clubbing. we realised we never used to dance with boys, til now. but we don't have to feel like sluts, coz one thing, for sure is, we're enjoying the joys of singlehood, which means, no strings attached.

realise the beauty of singlehood? we came to this conclusion: once is enough, twice is a mistake. maybe we're just weird, but well, we're just too engrossed with the joys of singlehood to be thinking about getting attached in the near future.

i sound weird. but well, that's just me.

3:24 AM
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i'm tired. really tired.

can someone save me? i just feel so lethargic everyday. sick of the world outside, and i'm finding ways to escape into my own world - one which i can call my own.

trainings? what do ppl train for? don't ask me. i seriously don't feel like training anymore, i don't look forward to trainings, even vball. IHG? i don't even know what it is anymore.

few people actually understand vball. it's difficult to learn and even harder to comprehend it. it's not like netball or basketball, where everyone gets the chance to play on court, and get to touch the ball quite a number of times. sometimes, if u're simply not good enough, u get on court but don't even touch the ball at all. it's not a matter of whether the person can be trusted to play the game or not, but given this 'pingpong point system', each point is just so crucial we just have to work on our strengths. each person covers a particular area, and if u're weak, you're the loophole. if people are targeting that loophole, we could just lose that game though the other 5 players are strong. the system doesn't really allow those not so good ones to play it well. ok i bet you don't really understand me right now, i guess only vballers can understand.

was chatting with tong last night. i actually said i would rather the team to lose. why? he asked. people just take for granted we'll win. in fact, we're playing up to people's expectations, not our own. vball has one of the fewest supporters, coz they think we'll just win, so no need to support. i don't want to live up to other's expectations, i want to live up to our own expectations. i don't want to play for others, i want to play for my team, to play for a team i feel for. but sadly enough, people's expectations spoil all these. we're just like puppets, the controllers are people watching the game. tong was saying it was the case with soccer last year. i agree. they lost in the end didn't they? people expect too much, to the extent that they couldn't perform properly as a team. maybe i'm just mean. again i don't expect you to understand me.

only 7 people at training today. classes? it's doubtful. more den half the team has got classes. maybe i should just ask them to send me their timetable.

IHG supper. intro of captains. what for? let me hide inside a corner, i don't want to show my face. even had to walk down together with my best friend during the intro and take photo with him. ok he's not that bad actually, coz i'm nice to him too. he's doing most of the work for the convening now. i just have to continue being nice to him and i'll get things my way. he actually tells me stuff when i chat with him on msn. actually, he's rather nice to me now. i'm saying all these coz he's doing most of the work. haha. i'm so mean. maybe i should stop complaining about him.

finally tmr i'm meeting lao niang again! yay! happy! can't wait to talk to her again! all these little things which cheer me up after a not-too-good day.

1:07 AM
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"True"

I wont talk
I wont breathe
I wont move till you finally see
That you belong with me

You might think
I dont look
But deep inside
In the corner of my mind
Im attached to you

Im weak
Its true
Cuz im afraid to know the answer
Do you want me too?
Cuz my heart keeps falling faster

I've waited all my life
To cross this line
To the only thing thats true
So I will not hide
Its time to try
Anything to be with you
All my life
I've waited
This is true

You dont know what you do
Everytime you walk into the room
Im afraid to move

Im weak
Its true
Im just scared to know the ending
Do you see me too?
Do you even know u met me?

I've waited all my life to cross this line
To the only thing thats true
So I will not hide
Its time to try anything to be with you
All my life
I've waited
This is true

I know when I go ill be on my way to you
The way thats true

I've waited all my life to cross this line
To the only thing thats true
So I will not hide
Its time to try anything to be with you
All my life I've waited

This is true
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
my favourite song of the moment. such an apt description. it's juz constanly playing on repeat mode on my comp.

5:43 PM
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u still miss me don't u?

i know u still miss me, otherwise u won't still be awake by now, waiting for my sms. my last sms was at 1+am, now look at the time? u're still not asleep and u'r telling me u're watching tv. what's there to watch? rubbish. ok maybe i'm thinking too much.

wacky night out, i don't regret going even though i'm like tired and sleepy and still abit high. hehe. last week of holidays, should have fun right? i should be enjoying and not feeling troubled at all. oh well, i'm really not bothered now. all i want is a good sleep.

i'm talking nonsense while waiting for my hair to dry. fine, just let me sleep.

4:33 AM
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i'm disturbingly irritated.

so many players are telling me they'll be late and all so last min. it doesn't help that the weather's freaking hot.

fine. blame myself then, for having told them about it only last nite, but i only gotto know i had to change last night. well, i didn't have to change it and my coach and players could all be on time and i don't have to suffer under the hot sun too and be so disturbingly irritated. but nevermind. what's done is done. let my training times be taken up all the time by all silly excuses. vball isn't their priority anyway. no one loves vball.

all i hope is tonight will be great with those silly boys and my sheer n sisi.

2:46 PM
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it sux to be unable to play vball properly.
it sux to be under performing.
it sux to see the team lacking in communication.
it sux to be pressured by everything else.
it sux to see everyone being so individualistic.

in other words, the friendly simply sux coz nothing seems to be right.

thankfully i had people around me to make me feel better.
thanks eddie and rabbit for trying to lessen my pressure, encouraging me and the dinner treat.
thanks SGN for asking if i'm ok.
thanks bobby for those comforting words.

a truly sucky day of vball where i don't know what went wrong. cheer me up pls? or rather let me find consolement myself. i stare at my great buys at zara sale just now, how comforting. i think about my lunch at crystal jade, how comforting. i think about getting all my modules, even more comforting. seems like there's plenty of things to comfort me.

i shall be happy. *smile*

1:56 AM
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the cold numbs me, it freezes my mind and body. i can't seem to think properly and i don't feel like doing anything. i just feel like staying in my room and isolate myself from the world outside. the whole corridor's empty, and it doesn't help that there's no lights outside my level, not even a single one. emptiness, loneliness, suddenly don't seem like some taboo word, or rather it sounds like some word which i would happily embrace right now.

cold and alone, how much happier could i be?

11:32 PM
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a great start to the new year. the first person to wish me a happy new yr was him. the feeling's great, at least i know i've found a long lost friendship back, at least now i know he still cares.

this new year was something different, no huge crowds or groups of frens, just a simple supper with jess and her friend ah loy at chomp chomp. so much food to make me fat! but supper was good! drove down to look for sandra at lips and waited for her to knock off. supposed to go simon's place to drink but we all ended up at newton for supper. eating continuously!

perhaps i'm ageing, so crowds don't really impress me. i prefer a simple gathering eating or chilling out. new yr's eve, xmas eve, wadever, they don't really interest me. it's just another day to me.

tmr's the alumni games, feel so tired, don't even feel like playing.*yawnz*

10:24 PM
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