{Me}

boredchic
22 years on earth

*loves:

*loathes:
BOREDOM

sisi
sheer
xying
bik
cheryo
jocie
SGN

 

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it's been a long time since i last blogged isn't it?

i always had the urge to blog, but somehow things don't come out once i get to the new post page.

it's been a rocky road. i just feel that i need to blog it out to feel better.

things with him hasn't been smooth so far i must admit. maybe we've been together for too long, maybe we simply don't understand each other at all.

i just smsed his friend, a gal who has been his buddy since jc times. i asked her if i was being unreasonable to expect him to tell me his ex contacted him, just a simple 'my ex contacted me today' and no further questions asked. i won;t even bother about the details of the conversation, because i trust him. she agreed but mentioned that he might have wanted to prevent misunderstandings and conflicts. maybe. but i did ask him before if he still kept in contact with his exes and he said NO. when i mentioned to him, he said he's right, coz he did not contact them, it's them who contacted him, so he need not say. i remember that night, i was at his place, playing with his nephew in his room, and i saw her photo on his msn chat. i kept quiet. i wished for him to tell me, but he didn't. he even told me to get out of the room together with his nephew coz his nephew is too noisy. this left me disappointed. totally. he doesn't believe that i trust him.

he has this bunch of close jc friends, so i asked her if i was right to feel unhappy when his 'sister' in jc clung on to him like a koala bear when she was frightened by the horror movie. we were all at his friend's house that day. he sat beside her on the floor, a distance away from the sofa, where i was sitting alone. i felt insulted, but i kept quiet coz i wanted to give him face in front of his friends. why was i upset? he didn't even make the effort to tell her not to cling on, or even move away a little. i felt i should have been given more respect. i can tolerate if his 'sister' did this when i wasn't around coz i can't see. but i was around, right enough of my very eyes. i told him about it and he said i was oversensitive. but where did i go wrong? all i needed is my guy to respect my presence. wad have i done? and what has he done? she said they have been like this 'brother sister' thing since jc, but look here, i am an outsider, someone who wasn;t from their clique. i didn't understand how they behaved last time, neither do i see them often. is it right of him to expect me to accept this when i am a so-called outsider? maybe i should show more generosity, and accept them for behaving this way, but when i think abt it, when that 'sister's' bf is around , she doesn't do it. so she knows her own bf will be unhappy is he sees her behaving that way, doesn't this prove it? first time i saw her, both of them helped to massage each other's neck. second time, he hit her on her thigh. am i supposed to act as though nothing happened?

time and again, i have mentioned to him to ignore that girl he knew from work. why? she kept sending him smses like: what should i do now? i'm so bored. funny thing is, she didn't talk to him before when they worked together. now she digged out his phone no. to ask such silly? he promised me he would tell me when she messaged him , yet i saw him messaging her, on the very day my grandma was hospitalized. i didn't say anything, though i was upset. what kind of girl can she be when she does this kind of things? and he though i was making a big fuss for nothing.

right now, i'm sick, with fever, cough and flu and at his place typing this. i went to see the doc last week, he knew, but he never asked. not even a single: are u feeling better? today i was forced by him to see the doc, albeit on my own while he's out with his friends. in fact he's still having fun now i guess.

i know his temper, he gets irritated easily, but i've tried to ignore his mood swings, but he still raises his voice at me when he talks to me. i remember the time we were having supper at 85, his fren asked him why did he keep shouting at me. am i not trying hard enough? i have my temper too, but he doesn't understand that i have my limit too. too much of him raising his voice will make me fight back too. now he has upgraded, since he snaps his fingers and asks me to press the bell or give him a massage. no words are exchanged.

when we go out, he seldom talks, maybe that's him, i can accept it, but when i tell him so many times i'm cold, he doesn't even give me a hug, or put his arms around me. when i repeat myself too many times, he gets irritated. so i'm supposed to bear with it?

we've had too many issues and they revolve around the same things. the root cause is, he doesn't believe my reasons, and thinks i'm always trying to find excuses when i'm trying to talk sense into him. he has a strong desire to win, in everything, maybe it's this trait of his which makes me admire him so much, but at the same time, it's like stabbing my heart with a sword. my explanations are always excuses to him, my tears are irritants, to him.

the last straw came when i accompanied him almost everyday on my one week plus break, yet guess what happened? he told me: can you don't take such a long break next time? it's very irritating. when i had to go home and told him to go out of the room such that i can change my clothes to go home, he got up reluctantly and mumbled "irritating". am i really such an irritant? i ask myself, if i were to marry this guy, i have to stay with him for the rest of my life, if he sees me everyday, wouldn't i be even more irritating to him?

i know we're both hot-tempered, but i've controlled myself alot for his sake. i gave up clubbing and drinking, both one of my favourite pastimes, because i have a few groups of buddies whom i got close to coz of that. he doesn't like me clubbing and drinking, so i seldom do them, but at the expense of my friends. i miss my life, my friends.

sometimes he doesn't even contact me for the whole day, and when i call him at nite, she would say he's tired. so i ask myself, why am i doing so much for him?

sometimes i need someone to talk to, but i can't let it all out. i'm troubled within, but i can't do anything. my grandma needs cataract surgery, my family's in a mess, work is totally unsatisfying, and yet this kind of shit happens.

gimme a break won't you? my tears have run dry. i just need you to learn to listen to my views, coz i'm not unreasonable.

for my dearest friends, they all know how happy-go-lucky i am, and i'm a person who speaks rationally and offer sound advice. but to him, i seem like a joke, coz i've lost everything, all that sparks on my face. i can never laugh like i used to.

to his friend, i'm sorry i have to trouble you, but looknig for you is my last resort. i had to know what kind of person he is to his friends, and you were the best person to talk to him, given that you're a lady who has been his buddy since jc days. females understand each other's needs better, and you can understand him. i'm sorry that i dragged you into this, but i have no choice. i wanted to give up again, but i just want one more chance to make it right. i only hope that after you've talked to him, he can understand me better.

i miss those hall days, and those chats with my friends. they make me feel better. but sadly, i have no one to talk to now each time i run into any problems. i'm just like a balloon which is all filled up, and one last breath will just make it explode.

afterall, 3 years ain't that easy to give up.

11:20 PM
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